Holy, holy, holy

While helping someone find books about the lives of the saints, I found two back issues of Esquire magazine with swimsuits cut down to *there*.  

Kicker was that they were about 6 years old, way outside of our retention schedule.  Which means they were sitting on the shelf for, what, three years? Four?

(Another unfinished draft from January 2011)

It's a book, not a cat.

Just watched a little girl drop several books into the book drop, one at a time. This would not be an unusual sight worthy of comment if she hadn't also been saying, "MEOW!" with each book. Each. And. Every. Book.

(Another old draft, this time from January 2011)

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever answered the phone to find that a part-time colleague has finally met Mr. Britannica.

Our library is lucky. Every few months, we are visited by a man we've (okay, I've) dubbed Mr. Britannica because of his obsession with the Encyclopedia of the same name.

Problem is, in last year's major weeding project, the Britannica was removed from the Reference collection for a number of reasons, including:

1. It was from 1989. This meant the US & the USSR were still locked in the Cold War, space shuttle hadn't blown up, and the intertubes weren't in full stream.
2.         It costs thousands of dollars to replace, but it gets very little use.  If cost per use was a factor, it would be enough to make your jaw drop.

(This was a draft from October 2011 that I only just now noticed)

You know it's going to be a long day when...

You know it's going to be a long day at Reference when a woman wearing a long red cape walks in...and then you realize she has rubber snakes and balloons tied in her hair.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had cause to wonder what your library's policy is on patrons flossing their teeth in the public reading area.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had to explain to someone that the reason they can't log into their web-based email is because they put a 0 instead of an o in the address:
user@email.c0m

And the patron got mad at you.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever heard anything like the following conversation:

Patron:  The W key on that keyboard is stuck.  Can I have a new computer?
Volunteer:  Umm, sure, let me assign another computer to you.
P:  (Pointing) But can I have that computer?
V:  Yes, but it won't be available for another 20 minutes.
P:  That's okay.  There's less monitoring on that computer.
V:  Less what?
P:  Monitoring.  That W key got stuck because I was trying to get the truth out.
V:  The truth?
P:  Yes.  The government monitors everything I type, and they jammed the W key to prevent me from writing anything more.  But they have more trouble monitoring that computer.
V:  How do they monitor it?
P:  They look for certain keywords, and as soon as I type one, they start blocking me.

Up to this point, I had been considering if I should get involved with the conversation.  The volunteer is nice, but rather gullible.  The patron is one of our hardcore paranoid regulars.  The combination of the two could have unfortunate results.

However, the volunteer just shrugged and walked away.  Hoping the internal thought process included at least one of the following arguments:

1)  Jamming a letter only moved you to a different computer, where you were free to continue your writing.
2)  How on earth do you know that a particular computer is more difficult to monitor???
3)  You seriously believe that the government has an efficient real-time monitoring program?  Have you ever known the government to do anything efficiently???

What it takes to be a librarian

Sometimes, I think it takes a certain skill to be a successful librarian.  Today, that skill is "Knowing When to Give Nice Answer VS. Honest Answer, AKA 'What You REALLY Want to Say'."

Case in point:  We have a patron who frequently uses our internet computers.  I've never been approached by this patron for anything other than the Same. Exact. Conversation.

'Uh, yeah, I was just using that computer (points vaguely towards entire room full of computers) and it was really slow.  Why are all of you computers so slow?"

Good librarian answer:  "Well, they get a lot of use."
Bad librarian answer: "We slow them down on purpose to annoy library users."

"Yeah, but it's really annoying."

Good librarian:  "I'm sorry to hear that you're having troubles."
Bad librarian:  "You complained about this last month, and I did nothing about it then, too."

"I mean, I could barely do what I needed to do, they were that slow."

Good librarian:  "I'm sorry to hear that you're having troubles."
Bad librarian is, at this point, screaming at ME inside my head:  JUST TELL THE GUY THAT THE COMPUTERS ARE SLOW BECAUSE THEY ARE FREE FOR HIM AND EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD TO USE, BUT IF HE'D LIKE TO UNDERWRITE AN UPGRADE, HE COULD SEND A CHECK.

Some day, I will, in fact slip.

Pro tip for free:

If you are a hard of hearing patron who calls for help using your e-reader and our ebooks, please DO ME THE COURTESY OF TURNING DOWN YOUR TELEVISION.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a man snoozing not 15' away from the desk.  This is not all that unusual.

And, half an hour after you first noticed him sleeping, you go over and gently pat him on the shoulder and ask him to wake up.  He jumps about 3' up when you wake him, but sits up straighter.  Also not unusual.  

And then, an hour later, you go wake him up again.  Slightly less usual to have to wake the same person, but not unheard of.

What IS unusual, though, is that the man again jumps 3' when you wake him...and immediately starts speaking to you in sign language.

In retrospect, I guess that explains why none of my artfully 'dropped' books disturbed him.

You know it's going to be a long day when...

...30 minutes into the morning shift, you've already had to help someone with their computer three times in the first 10 minutes of their session.

And one of those times led to the patron informing you that you probably have a virus on the computer because the screen keeps going back to some other window and won't stay where they want it to.  And you try very hard to not lose your cool when explaining that every time they click on the little blue "e" they are, in fact, opening a new browser window and not, in fact, actually navigating the website they seek.

It's amazing to witness the digital divide in action day after day after day.  Cause it is real, it exists, and it's profound.

Just when you think you've seen everything...

...a man walks past the Reference Desk with a half gallon of chocolate milk on one side and a gallon of iced tea hanging off the other side of his belt.

Sloshing away, too.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever gotten a report from a colleague that someone complained of a dead rabbit in the bathroom.

And then, when a staff member goes to investigate, they find someone washing two rabbits in the sink and a third one dead on the counter.

Animal Control and the Police were called.  It was ugly.

I cannot make this stuff up.  

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a reference interview with a man wearing 3 belts.

...if you've ever had a reference interview with a man who spoke only pidgin German and pidgin French...but has a library card & grew up in town.

Did I miss a memo?

That's two patrons in a row who have needed Ref assistance and who have also had their shirts on inside out.

The guy's t-shirt, no problem, easy to understand.

The woman's shirt with ruffles & buttons, though....

That's a first...

Fairly certain that a pre-nuptial agreement is being hammered out at the table across from the Ref Desk.

Either that, or a very, VERY amicable divorce.

Either way, suppressing the urge to holler, "DON'T YOU ATTORNEYS HAVE OFFICES YOU COULD DO THAT IN?"

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a young child of 6 or 7 ask where the movies are.
"Do you want kid movies or grown up movies?"
"...Grown up movies!"
You direct the child towards the movies, and a smaller pops up alongside.

"What are you going to get?"
"I don't know."
"Well, what does this one say?"
"The...forty...year...old...something."
"Is it any good?"

Yes, the movie in question was "The Forty-Year Old Virgin."

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever conducted a reference interview with a man wearing a garbage bag as a poncho...and it's not even raining.

...if you've ever looked up the availability of DVDs just to make the point to the couple that yes, we ALL now know EXACTLY which movies he wants to see, which ones she wants to see...and which zombie flick they're letting their 9 year-old son pick.  And then, knowing that the two movies they are hollering about back and forth across the library are long overdue, you join the conversation.

You may be a reference librarian if...

You may be a reference library if, after having helped a couple to identify a title they were seeking on the online catalog, explaining where it *should* be, but that it is currently checked out & would they like to place a hold?, even after all that, AND going to the Reference Desk with the woman to place the hold on the title in question, and if, after she has gone back to tell the man the hold has been placed, the man has then approached you as you sat in the big fancy chair behind the counter & computer at the Ref Desk, the man still says,

"Do you work here?"

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever helped someone make a reservation for someone to use one of the internet computers.

And they've then complained that they can't wait the 4 minutes until the computer will be available.  They assure you that all they want to do is check their email really quickly, they only need the computer for a couple of minutes, etc., etc.

Then you have to explain that all of the other computers are in use or assigned other reservations, and, really, if they wait 2 more minutes, they can have the computer.

Grudgingly, the person agrees to wait.  So, a mere 120 seconds later, the person is able to sign in to the computer.

And then, 20 minutes later, you realize that the same person is playing Farmville on Facebook.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you have a healthy fear of people who enter your library pulling suitcases or carrying multiple bags.

Especially if one or more of those bags is a garbage bag.

And, today, I have developed a special fear of those who enter carrying multiple bags, and one has "PATIENT BELONGINGS" written all over the sides.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if, on your drive in to work on a Saturday morning, you stop at a red light and watch a man pushing a twin baby carriage across the street...but instead of babies, a case of beer is in each slot.

And you think to yourself, "I bet $10 that I'll be seeing this man at the library later today."

And you are now wondering how to pay yourself $10 for the bet when he walks in the door.

At least the carriage is outside.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had someone approach the Reference Desk with a big teeth-gnashing scowl on their face.

And then you realize that you're supposed to recognize that the person is showing off their new teeth.

And that the person is actually smiling.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had anyone ask you to print out Craigslist for them.

Not just an ad or two, but the whole thing. Every single listing.

"I don't have time to look at each apartment ad right now. Can't you just print it out and I'll look at it later?"

Just when you think you've seen everything...

...someone walks through your library carrying a hula-hoop.

Pro tips for free:

Never lend your scissors out on the Friday afternoon before Valentine's Day.

We keep two pairs, and loan them to patrons in the central reading area as needed. However, one pair was out before I got to Ref (and I didn't know that). Then I loaned the other pair to another patron.

As I started doing my usual tasks, I discovered I needed one of the pairs. So I looked around the library for either pair to see if they were idle.

Both pairs are actively engaged in cutting out red hearts from construction paper.

Awwww....

This just in...

...even worse than being able to identify patrons in your vicinity by smell?

Being able to identify them by the hacking, phlegmy cough.

It's cold & flu season, people. Wash your hands!

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever wished you had a mirror on a long stick that you could use to peer over the balcony wall to see who's unwrapping the world's noisiest candy wrapper. Cause if you had it, you could positively identify the offender and remind them about the rules. But no, having no mirror on a long stick means that by the time you get up there, the candy will be in mouth and innocent cherubic facial expressions will be firmly installed.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had to explain to a patron that even though they clicked "Buy now" on Amazon for a particular ebook, they don't actually OWN the ebook if the gift card on the Amazon account has a balance of $0.00.

...if you've ever had a patron complain about a baby crying on another floor of the building.

"Well, it sounds like the baby is in the bathroom, so maybe it's being changed. I'm sure it will stop shortly."
"I'm a mother of five, and NONE of my babies EVER screamed like that during a changing!"

At this point, I very carefully did not say, 'As a mother of five, I'm surprised you have no tolerance for a crying baby. Surely you can relate to the parent, and can understand how useless it is for you to get pissy about a very natural part of being an infant?'

...if you've ever gotten excited about an email reference question because it actually took a little creative research to answer--you pull out multiple types of reference materials, trace the development of an idea, and document your findings in a detailed and informative email. And then, the next day, you find a four word reply. "thank you very much"

Ahh well, I guess we can't all be poets...

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a patron come up to you to read an article about a pit bull attack.

That was the entire exchange.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a "discussion" with a patron about the temperature.

"The cashier at the shop next door told me it had gotten up to -8 degrees!"

My internal monologue: There's no way it's that cold out. It was only supposed to get down into the single digits overnight, and the news this morning wasn't gushing about freakish coldness.

So, being a now-curious information professional, I clicked my handy link to the weather page.

"I don't know where the cashier got the number, but it's +9 degrees now. No, actually, that update is an hour old."

"Oh, maybe it got colder since then."

Internal monologue again: Yes, I'm sure that's it. The temperature dropped 17 degrees in 54 minutes, and the authority for that information is a cashier at a bakery and not the National Weather Service...

Either way, it's pretty danged chilly. Even in celsius.