Dear publisher:

Thank you so much for issuing your ginormous mega-hit book in an audiobook form. Creating a 41 disc set might be a daunting task for many a publishers, but you charged ahead and did it anyway.

Just...next time? Could you maybe follow the natural splits in the texts in designing the discs?

"Book 1" is starts on Disc 1.

Good. However.

"Book 1" ends on Disc 14, Track 6.

Um?

"Book 2" begins on Disc 14, Track 7.

WTF?

"Book 2" ends on Disc 26, Track 3.

SRSLY?

"Book 3" begins on Disc 26, Track 4.

Brilliant.

"Book 3" ends at the end of Disc 41.

Ugh.

See, here's the problem:

41 discs = multiple packages. There's no container big enough to hold all 41 in the same box. Hell, my dear publisher, you didn't even SELL it in one container.

Multiple packages = multiple parts to check out. So, Person A checks out Box 1, and has "Book 1" + first 8 tracks of "Book 2".

But Person B, not paying attention & not realizing that the title is split into boxes, checks out Box 2. They get "Book 2" minus the first 8 tracks, but plus the first 3 tracks of "Book 3".

Really? You couldn't just add another disc or two and split the entire book onto three sets following the text???

"Book 1" on discs 1-14

"Book 2" on discs 15-27

"Book 3" on discs 28-42.

Was that so difficult there?

Then again, I'm not a big name publisher in some shiny skyscraper in New York. I'm just the reference librarian who has to make sense of this bizarre system and explain it to confused customers. Day...after day...after day.

Good thing I'm not bitter!

Dear patron:

I understand that with the changing weather of the season, we are all prone to catch one of the many bugs circulating. Flu, cold, strep, etc., they're all having a fine time jumping from person to person.

And I appreciate that you may be feeling under the weather, that you've been struggling all day to keep your head up and keep moving when all you want to do is sleep until you're not sick any more.

However.

It is very difficult to conduct a reference interview with you to find that bit of information that will answer your questions when you have a tissue hanging from your nose.

You may wish to revisit the decision to roll two points of a kleenex into pellets and shoving a pellet up each nostril.

Thanks,

Cooties the Librarian

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever helped someone find a phone number for a major corporation. Specifically, the number to be used for lodging complaints and/or trying to get coupons for free.

And you're a really good reference librarian if you've managed to not react when the information seeker writes down the phone number with the note "Pubic Relations."

Also..

I'm pretty sure that's the first time we've accepted Swiss coinage as payment for printing.

Mostly I accepted it cause it's pretty. Still trying to figure out what coin the person *thought* they were giving me so I can buy the coin from the printer till.

Just to keep a little perspective...

Dear Patron:

Just because you complained about another patron doesn't mean that the other patron hasn't already complained about you.

Thanks,

Your Librarian

Dear patron:

Sir, please do not help yourself to the books in the cabinet behind the Ref desk. Especially when I'm sitting in front of the cabinet, waiting to help patrons.

How would you like it if I came into your office and helped myself to your papers?

I realize that 99% of the library is self-serve...but there are a few things we keep under closer control for whatever reason. Certain titles are stolen as soon as they hit the shelves, some materials are used daily, some cost the library thousands of dollars annually to keep up to date. The material you grabbed falls into the last category, and we update it weekly.

It's sort of sad that all would have taken for you to not make me into Cranky the Librarian this morning would have been if you'd just said, "Do you mind if I get that book?"

Heck, even a "Hello" to acknowledge the human before you would have been nice.

Thanks,

Cranky the Librarian

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a library patron BELLOW for more paper in the communal printer.

And, upon refilling the printer, the first thing out of the bellower's mouth is, "Hey, that's not what I printed!"

Yah, cause nobody else in the library could possibly have wanted to use the printer around the same time, too...

It would be laughable if it wasn't absolutely dependable. Every. Single. Time.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever received a phone call from a patron while they were driving. And you know that they were driving when you hear the car park, turn off...and then the alarm goes off. Loudly.

"Could you email that to me? My email address is HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK."

Thank goodness the patron stopped to chat with a neighbor in the street before getting back to the phone call, too.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever helped anyone create a facebook account. And that person was born in 1923.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a woman with two small children approach you at the desk and say:

Is there somewhere we could go to have sex?

............

Me, after a pause to check I was still in reality: Excuse me?

Her: Is there somewhere we could go to have snacks? (waves bag in the air)

Me, trying to not display my relief at having to fend off the original question: I'm sorry, we don't have food in the library.

Her: But we brought our own. (waves bag in air again)

Me: Oh, I meant that we don't allow eating in the library.

Well, found out later that we do allow snacks in the kids' section, but that's it.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if, every week, you have the same conversation with the same woman.

"Hi. I'd like a copy of the Times Sunday crossword."

*fumbles in cabinet for the Times Sunday magazine section that we keep at the desk for patrons to borrow to make their own copies* "Here you go!"

"Oh...you don't make copies anymore?"

"No, sorry. But you can make your own copy on the photocopier over there." *points in general direction*

"But you used to make copies!"

*Bites tongue so as to not make any of the following snarky replies:
1. Yes, we still do, but they're usually gone by the end of the day Sunday. Today is Wednesday.

2. It's easier to tell you we don't make copies than to explain that we don't make LOTS of copies so that we don't end up with extras at the end of the week.

3. We'd charge you a dime for a copy from the desk. Curiously, it costs you a dime to make your own copy. How bout that?

4. No, we don't make copies. Nor did we last week, last month, or last year. This should no longer surprise you.*

Good thing I'm a professional and all...

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had someone walk into your work space carrying a didgeridoo.

Or, in this case, three of them.

Dear patron:

Would you be offended if I quietly placed a box of tissues by you at your table? Cause you've been sniffling for about 20 minutes now, approximately every 7 seconds.

Yes, I've been counting.

Yes, I'm very cranky today.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever debated taking the scotch tape dispenser from someone taping grocery bags around their shoes on a rainy morning.

Dear patron:

Asking me if certain DVDs are available is okay. I don't mind looking them up for you at all. I know that I understand our catalog a lot better than you, and it is my pleasure to help you track down materials.

However, if I tell you they are checked out, and offer to place a hold on them (which you refuse), don't be surprised if my other two colleagues give you the same answer when you ask them about the same DVDs within 10 minutes.

kthxbai!

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a patron open their wallet to give you their library card and a baggie of pot has fallen out.

...if you've gotten to the point of recognizing who is in the reading area behind you just by the smell.

...if you've ever been consulted by one of your colleagues about what to do when someone finds a syringe in the stacks. (Answer: Get in touch with the local fire department so they can put it in their sharps box in the ambulance the next time they're in the area.)

...if the above have ever happened to you, and you've ever thought, "I went to grad school for this???"

Dear local author:

If you really want your book in the library's collection, it would behoove you to not insult the circulation staff, the volunteers who process donations, and the librarian who selects titles for your genre in one explicit statement.

Just a pro tip for free.

P.S. I checked your book on amazon. Panned. And it's 12 years old and our gifts policy doesn't add titles over 10 years old unless they are stellar classics.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had anyone turn in a small, pink, glitter-covered, skirt-wearing plastic pony with long pink hair in the mane and tail.

And when you've joked to a colleague about how the Ref desk is becoming a stable, the colleague very seriously replied that the pony had been in the periodical section the day before.

Who put the perky pink plastic pony in Periodicals?

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever been informed by a colleague that a patron wishes to lodge a formal complaint that the library's collection doesn't have any movies featuring warlocks.

I'm torn between saying, "Really? In over 5,000 movies, you couldn't find one that had a warlock?" OR making a list of 20 titles to order.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever helped a homeless person print out a bank statement from the internet.

Especially if, in the process of making sure your printer's toner cartridge was shaken enough to not make pale streaks on every other document, you notice that it's not so much a statement as a receipt...a receipt for transferring $1,800 to a bank account in Nigeria belonging to someone whose name starts with "Prince."

Seriously, you have $1,800 to lose to an internet scam, but you keep all of your world belongings in a shopping cart with a tarp by the door of the library?

Then again, maybe you have $1,800 to lose BECAUSE you own a shopping cart full of stuff, and that's it.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a call asking for translation from [insert foreign language of your choice here] to English, and you quickly realize that the caller is trying to get you to speak of sexual acts.

Or maybe not so quickly realize it. Sigh.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever answered the Ref Desk phone to be asked a question about how to send an email.

And especially if you suddenly realize the caller is 15' away from you, looking down at you from the balcony with laptop in hand.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a reference call from someone who wants to know about KH in a saltwater aquarium...cause the caller was, you know, drunk the night before and accidentally put in 44 drops of some particular chemical, instead of the 8-10 recommended. And how could the chemistry now be adjusted to recover from that?

Unfortunately, I have no experience with salt water aquariums. Finally found a phone number for a local salt water aquarium club, and recommended talking to local experts.

Musta been really drunk to have mistaken 44 drops for 8-10.

Dear patron:

Much as we'd love to purchase the title you requested, if we can't READ the request, we can't order it.

I *think* the word in the middle is "Policy." Or Police. Or Polity. Or Politics.

Oh, and the author's first name might be Emma. Or Erin.

Also, if you have no library card, and don't give an address or phone number, we can't let you know when the book is in.

Dear patron:

Dear young man with sunburn and scabs and who smells vaguely of pasta,

Please have the courtesy of taking off your headphones if you ask me a question. I will answer you, but if you can't hear me, well, which one of us is at fault?

Also, please don't scratch your nuts at me. Just, well, ick.

Thanks,

Reference Librarian

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever pulled into the library's parking lot to see a yellow blanket up in a tree.

...if you've ever had to call for elevator maintenance first thing on a Saturday morning. And then you had to explain to the technician that, yes, in fact, you do need service on a lovely Saturday morning. No, it can't wait until Monday when the 'regular guy' would be available.

...if you've ever had to tell a child to not climb the library building. And then have a suddenly alert parent yell at you for yelling at the child. Really? Where were you 90 seconds ago when your kid was playing Spiderman 15' above the sidewalk, trying to break into the stained glass window?

...and if all of this has happened in your first hour.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever been handed an article about mosquitos and been told it's very important for pregnant women because it mentions folic acid. And the article's in Italian. And you neither speak Italian, nor are you a pregnant woman.

...if you've ever had to explain to someone that their internet computer use is blocked because they were barred from the library for drinking alcohol on the premises earlier in the year....and you received a diatribe about banks and the need for everyone to have an offshore account. And did I know where one could store bags for a couple of days while they left the country to open an account?

Yet another first

A man just walked up to the Reference Desk and handed me 8 pennies. Not to pay for anything, just donating. "When I'm on this side of town and have a handful of pennies, I like to donate to the library."

Piano keys

Recently sent out a staff-wide email asking if anyone had seen the key to the lock on the piano.

Didn't receive a single reply, until this morning when a colleague contacted me to ask if I'd heard anything.

"Not a peep," I replied.

The response was, "So, no notes yet?"

I'm giving that one +5 for brilliance. The whole exchange was a set up for a punchline.

B.Y.O.C.

Well, that was a new one. A gentleman just came into the library carrying a computer. Not a laptop, but a full-on desktop, external keyboard and mouse trailing along, too.

I thought for a moment he was going to ask how to connect it to the wi-fi, or if there was a plug he could use, but it turns out he wanted to donate it.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had a 5 minute debate with someone over the absence of a table from the reading area.

A patron was curious to know what had happened to a particular table that had been in the big open area between the fake tree and the round table. I had to explain several times that there had never been a table there. Ever.

"Well, did it break?"

"There was no table there."

"Did someone damage it? Is it being repaired?"
"There hasn't been a table there. All of the tables are in this room."

"But this big open space! This space was never here before!"
"Maybe some of the other tables have shifted over the years?"

"I know there was a table here before!"

Okay, fine, there should be a table there. I've just hidden it with my special superpowers of making physical objects invisible. Careful you don't walk into it!

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever been shushed by a library patron while helping another patron.

And then had to turn around and shush the first patron an hour later for singing in the lobby.

You may be a reference librarian if...

Actual conversation:

"Excuse me, I can't seem to find this book. Where's the C section?"

"'C' section? You want books about obstetrics?"

"No, I found this book in the catalog, but I can't find it."

"Well, what is the call number? I'd be happy to help you find it."

"C2011. Where is that?"

At this point, I very carefully did NOT say that the patron was, in fact, giving me the publication's copyright date, and not a full call number.

At least I knew that the patron was looking for a new book, probably in the new book section...

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had to inform someone that not only is bathing in the library against local ordinance, but that the alcohol-based hand sanitizer is not for bathing.

Really?

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever returned to the Reference Desk after running an errand across the library, only to come upon a man using the stapler.

With nothing being stapled.

Just stapling air, quite happily.

And then, as you got close enough to offer assistance, he scooped up all the bent staples with great care, and carried them back to where he left his backpack.

At this point, I stopped watching, not really wanting to know what he was doing with a dozen or so bent staples....

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had to tell a mother that her dipped-in-snot-rolled-in-dirt 5 year old son needs to be taught to not pee on the outside of the library building.

Or, if he simply must, to not pee on the floor-to-ceiling windows.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever started out your Saturday morning shift on Reference with an emergency 911 call.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever feared you were going to be lynched because the public internet computers lost their internet for 25 minutes.

The trick here is to make phone calls and run around looking busy to keep the residents of the computer center convinced that you're actually DOING something while waiting for the internet fairies to stop messing with your world.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever been thrilled to introduce a 10-year-old to the wonders of microfilmed newspapers from the 1930s. And then, when you went back to check on the budding researcher, you notice that the daily comic strip Tarzan in those newspapers is being read day by day.

Meanwhile, to balance out the good, someone reports someone else using one of the public internet computers is viewing porn. Yep, nothing like looking a pictures of sex while in public with the monitor turned so the whole library can see. Creep.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if, in your first hour on the Ref Desk on Saturday 16 April 2011, you've had to decline to give tax advice to two people, and pointed out to two others that just because they printed the preview of their tax return efile, they have not, in fact, efiled.

Remind me to not volunteer for tax day Ref Desk again.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...you've ever acknowledged that one of your regular patrons grew up in Italy, and he starts leaving Italian recipes at the Ref Desk for you. Unsolicited recipes.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever been asked to proofread someone's resume. And the very first thing you want to say is that they have GOT to ditch the coat of arms as decorative background image for the contact info.

It's distracting, low contrast so the details are harder to read, and just plain weird.

Unless, of course, you're applying for one of those high-demand jobs relating to heraldry, I suppose.

Your change, sir.

While I was dropping off materials to another librarian's desk, someone left $0.86 on the Ref Desk to pay for printing. It's $0.10 per page.

Now I'm stuck trying to decide if that was for 60% of a page, or if we just got screwed by $0.04.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever had to tell a mother that her two little kids (that she is more than 75' away from, and not paying the slightest bit attention to) have been leaning over the rails and spitting on the patrons below the balcony.

What was so odd was that the kids were TINY. 3 years old, tops.

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've just been presented with an oral argument that conclusively proves that the library patron before you is, in fact, a direct descendant of Thor.

You know, Thor, the Norse god?

Because we all know that there are vital records going back that far, right?

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you've ever been asked to go patrol the bathroom because someone has complained about somebody else bathing.

And then you've ended up receiving a 15-minute lecture about "leave in conditioner."

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you have ever been asked to look up addresses over the phone. I get at least two of these calls each shift.

My favorite so far is the gentleman who called and asked for Hilary Clinton's address (the one in NY, not DC) AND Monica Lewinsky's address in the same phone call. One's mind boggles at what he wanted to write to the two of them...

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you burst you favorite conspiracy theorist's latest corruption theory by proving that one of your Senators received less than $10,000 in campaign contributions from a weapons manufacturer. Which is a bummer, cause she really wanted to prove the Senator was in the manufacturer's pocket.

...if you can point to that *exact* moment when the genealogy "researcher" got on your nerves, insisting that materials were missing because they had the call number and location for something that wasn't on the shelf--and the researcher started getting pissy about it. And then you find out they got the call number from the card catalog that hasn't been updated since the 1980s. And the location they kept citing wasn't even the same as on the card. And that there's nothing by that title in the OPAC. And then they just keep telling you they want all of the vital records for the town. And they don't like the answer that the county kept the records, not the town. And you recommend that they narrow down their search to one person or one type of record. And they keep repeating that they want ALL of the town's vital records, which they know used to be in the Reference collection when they were a kid growing up here, decades ago.............

You may be a reference librarian if...

...if you're not sure if the public internet computer user is humming tonelessly and continuously, or if they have a wheezing breathing condition.

Either way, I'm pretty sure it's off-pitch.

Mixed messages?

One of my colleagues at Circulation just completed check-in for all the books dropped in the book drop overnight.

Included in the mix was a copy of the Bible with an unusual bookmark. It was a CD, just resting between the pages. It was only visible to me as I watched her check-in the book because I was facing her, asking a question. I could just barely see it in the book with less than a quarter of an inch sticking out.

It was AC/DC's Back in Black.

Rock on, dudes.

Snow parking ban

Just had a gentleman at the Ref Desk who refused to believe me that the parking ban is city-wide tonight.

"No, it goes by zones. I need to know what zones are involved. I need to know if I have to get my car off the street for the night."

So, I searched the city hall website, but, of course, all I could find was a parking ban announcement from last April.

"See! It says Zone 7! Told you there were zones!"

Please know that I never doubted him. I kept searching, and went to the city's police department for more information. Thankfully, the very first thing on the site (after their massive header image) is "PARKING BAN IN EFFECT 2/2/2011 FOR THE ENTIRE CITY" as the headline. We read more about it, and he finally accepted that the parking ban is, in fact, city-wide.

I'd worry about being smug that I was right and the man was wrong and I got to prove it to him, nee-ner, nee-ner. Except for one thing:

We've had 12" of snow in the last 24 hours, with another 6-10" scheduled for tonight. It doesn't take a huge amount of imagination to suspect that there might be no parking on city streets so the plows and salt trucks can try and keep up.

And, for the record, he lives in Zone 5.

Just realized that I'm more used to men behaving strangely in the library than women.

Today there was a woman a few tables away who was either practicing speeches for a play (I'm hoping) or she was really, really, really angry at the 27 small pieces of paper she had arranged on the table in front of her. Lots of hissing, stabbing of fingers, furious scribbling, the occasional angry tearing to shreds.

And, yes, it was 27 pieces. I counted while I tidied the shelves behind her. Four rows of seven, minus one.

P.S.

In another one of those, "Come here! Look at this thing on my on my screen!!!" moments, I watched two videos of a hamster running on a wheel until it spun out of control when it stopped running.

Ah, the glories of YouTube.

Then again, I have no idea why I stuck around to watch the second video...

Saints and sinners

Had to help a customer find a book about saints today. She had a particular one in mind, so when she couldn't find *that* book, she came for help.

After looking up titles, I had a couple of call numbers to try, and we went 'shopping' in the stacks. I didn't realize that she wanted *that* book, without having told me she had one in mind. So, we went back to the computer until I identified *that* book (because she couldn't remember the exact title, the author, or much else about it...just that it was about saints). Call number in hand, we went back into the stacks.

The book wasn't there, of course. Instead of a lovely serious book about the saints and their holy works, we found five back issues of Esquire magazine, each with our property stamps, each with a more sexually implicit cover. My little old lady was quite aghast!

I took the magazines over to the circulation desk to tell them my funny findings...and there, on top of the pile of freshly returned books, was *that* book about the saints she'd been looking for. Aghastness was forgotten.

The thing I don't understand is that the magazines were all from before 2003, and we only keep the previous 5 years for periodicals. Which means the saints have been living with the bikini-clad Esquire models amongst them for at least three years now...

It's a book, not a cat.

Just watched a little girl drop several books into the book drop, one at a time. This would not be an unusual sight worthy of comment if she hadn't also been saying, "MEOW!" with each book. Each. And. Every. Book.

All kinds of help available

Stepped away from the Ref Desk for 2, maybe 3 minutes to help someone with one of the public internet computers. When I came back, someone had helped themselves to the Ref Desk computer, and had searched Amazon with the phrase "When you can't control your bladder."

Suddenly, I no longer wanted to be sitting in that chair.

Yep, I'm pretty sure...

...that there's a woman doing tai chi in the videotape aisle.

Strangest thing I've seen today?

A man with a heating pat tucked into the back of his pants, sticking outside of his shirt above his belt.

As he walked around the library, the cord dragged around behind him.